Saturday, January 23, 2010

Dr. Doody

In the midst of a long stretch of potty training horror, through much trial and error...and more errors, it occurred to me that there are people out there who will pay others to come and potty train their pets. They do this so that THEY (the pet owners) do not have to deal with the mess and fuss of that most unpleasant task. And it then occurred to me, one flame alighting another, that a person could make beau coup money offering a similar service for potty training toddlers. It would look something like this.....

An hour long spot for yet another Ronco product will have just ended and the scene will open on a very tired and frustrated looking housewife. She's sitting on the couch, facing the camera. Looking none too pleased. She has very coiffed hair, is wearing an outdated, high collared pin- stripe oxford shirt, with a pair of even higher waisted pleated chinos. The ensemble is completed with penny loafers.

A voice over says, "Diaper problems got YOU down?"

Unfazed by the disembodied voice, she nods glumly while the camera pans the room, showing views of diapers all over the floor, an over-flowing diaper pail, and a kid who looks to be about 6 romping around in a pair of too-tight Pampers. In the corner stands a grouping of judgemental friends, shaking their heads sadly and turning her away from a play area with a sign that reads, "Must Be Potty Trained".

The mom on the couch sighs and her shoulders sag. The voice over proclaims, "Well help is here!"

Suddenly, a knock on the door. Mom jumps up just as a man in a bright yellow suit leaps through the door. He is carrying a baby bobble-head doll and wearing a toilet for a hat.

The voice over continues. "It's Dr. Doody and his amazing 1 week potty training program to the rescue!" Mom nearly faints with fake relief and gratitude.

"Now YOU can potty train your child in just one week. Be the envy of your friends, not the butt of their jokes."

Visions continue of the ease of the program and how Dr. Doody can turn even YOUR diaper-bound child into a potty loving kid in just 7 short days by following the easy to read instructions. Suddenly, the once weary mom is rejuvenated and happy again! The program has succeeded and her child is now fully trained.

"Thank you, Dr. Doody!" she exclaims while shaking his hand and smiling. Dr. Doody smiles back, faces the camera and gushes, "No problem! Try my program out for yourself and see the difference one week can make. Dr. Doody's Easy To Follow Program For Potty Training Your Child In One Week....because you DESERVE a potty trained child."

That scene fades out and voice over man begins listing key points of the program, starting with a scene of the mom opening the door and accepting the brightly colored, toilet-decorated box from a smiling UPS man.

"But WAIT! Order now and receive Dr. Doody's Potty Training Poncho! Never be peed on by your Potty Training Toddler again!" The scene will quickly switch to show the poncho-clad mom getting blasted by some stream of liquid, but then rather than look disgusted, she'll smile at the camera with a knowing nod and an enthusiastic thumb's up.

"But WAIT!!!!" voice over man continues, "order in the next 10 seconds and we'll upgrade your package and send you Dr. Doody's Easy To Follow Program For Potty Training Your Child In 3 Days! That's RIGHT..why spend one week training when you can do it in just 3 short days! Have a big party to go to on Saturday and need your child trained? No problem! Start Dr. Doody's program on Wednesday and be amazed by Saturday. Don't delay. Order NOW. Dr. Doody....because you DESERVE a potty trained child!"...........

Camera fades out to a collage of many happy, smiling parents, all giving a thumb's up sign after flushing the toilet their child just vacated.

There might just be some money in that idea......


  1. Billy Mays could not have written a better commercial!

  2. Thanks friend. It's one of my favorite things, this rant. I think it may just make a good infomercial too. ;)