And then there were 4

Somehow this year is drawing to a close.

Somehow, through the turmoil and chaos that has been "This First Year", the end of it is in sight.

Where it all went, those countless days in between the 'First Day' and these nearly last ones, I cannot say.

Days that were happy. Some that were sad. Days filled with  accomplishments. And days where the only "good" thing they could say about it was that I added another check mark to our calendar.

Slowly the days have all ebbed away to this point. Four more days.

Just four.

Just.

This is always the best part of the school year; when you are nearing the end.

You can look back and almost not see the negatives.

The day-to-day struggles seem diminished somehow, by the bright light that is "End Of School".

And to be honest, I'm a bit melancholy about the whole thing. You probably knew I would be. Hells bells, if I'm being honest, I probably knew it too. I'm semi-sad to see this first stage of their learning adventure draw to a close. No matter how stressful things got, I was always able to say, "This is the first part of their adventure. They're on their way!"

Sure, it wasn't the peachy-keen picture I'd hoped it would be for them. But it's theirs, nonetheless. And we've met some pretty spectacular people along the way.

But even as this "First" draws to a close, a new adventure awaits just over the horizon. First grade at home. They're excited to begin it. I'm anxious just to see how it goes, and excited to dust off my 'Teaching' hat once again.

Four more days.

Four.

And then. Oh my. The places we'll go.

Together.

Starting Grounds

After much thinking and considering, Dan and I have decided to enroll the girls in an on-line school for next year. (Ohio Virtual Academy) This will be an experiment of sorts, to see how it goes.

I know what you may be thinking: as a teacher, aren't I supposed to want my kids IN a classroom? Isn't that what's better for them?

Yes and no.

As a teacher, I certainly appreciate the benefits of a classroom and the learning environment there. I do. I also love being in a classroom and working with students. That being said, I don't necessarily agree that a classroom environment is the only way for kids to learn. There. I've said it.

So we're going to give OHVA a shot and see how it goes. See if it works for us. If not, they'll be heading straight back to their current school. End of story.

And can I just say, I am pretty excited about the adventure of doing this. I can't wait. Oh the work...oh the frustrations..oh the blogging moments! But imagine the possible successes? The achievements? The new experiences, even. One my great joys on this journey of education has been in watching these two unfold into their own selves; seeing them take those first steps towards true independence as they each gain information and knowledge and make it her own. And I cannot wait to see what they'll do with this at-home experience. I truly cannot.

When we tell people our plans to do OHVA, I get one of two responses: supportive or skeptical. Hey, I'm not judging here. Everyone is entitled to his or her personal opinion.

But so are we.

This is our opinion right now. We're going to try this, give it all we've got, every day. Could it be a spectacular flop? Sure, but so could oh-so-many things that people strive for in life. On the other hand, it could be a complete and smashing success. It just might.

But it takes a first step. And this is ours.

I'm filling out the paperwork, submitting everything. Getting started.

And feeling the excitement in it. The "New" of it.

And smiling.

Full Circle

I was just looking ahead on our school calendar and saw that Kindergarten Registration is coming up. In fact, there is a meeting for incoming parents on February 22nd.

Seeing that was a mile marker of sorts for me.

This time last year we were coming up on that very meeting. My blogs were filled with dread at the thought of my babies (my babies!) going to school. Filled with unease and uncertainty; plagued with worry.

In the darkest hours of my nights, when I had too much time to think about how fast time is passing us all by, I set February 2011 as milestone. "Just think", I told myself, "this time next year the girls will be nearly done with Kindergarten. This first year will be nearly drawn to a close. 365 days from now you'll have answers to all these "What Ifs" and "Hows" that daunt you now. Just think..."

And here we are. Just like that.

It's amazing how quickly we've come to this point. I'm glad for the experiences I've had as a First Time Parent of Schoolagers. But I won't be sad to see this school year draw to a close. Not sad at all.

Up ahead lie new challenges and goals; new adventures to discover. And the path behind has been traveled and traveled well at that, I would say. Memories made. Lessons learned. Grace. Patience. Trust. Faith.

Peace.

I'm thankful for the journey that has brought us here. And eager for the path still foggy ahead.



ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

I'm looking for the Do-Over button on today. It's gotta be here somewhere.....
If not a Do-Over, than perhaps a mind eraser? That would work too.

I missed out on a huge opportunity today. It wasn't an opportunity to make money or obtain something new; but a chance to show calmness in the face of pure and utter frustration. And I blew it. Big time.

When the girls came home from school today, I was dismayed to see some rather unwelcome "behavior" issues with Ashlyn. Being only the 7th day of school, it was both disappointing and a bit upsetting. This is a first for me. I've always been the on the note writing side of the fence, so being the receiver of such a notification was both unpleasant and uncool. (My sincere apologies to my past classroom parents on notes sent home. I hope you took it all with a grain of salt.) I definitely want my children to behave well in class. Rules are there to protect everyone, and they need to be followed. I am a stickler for that in our house too. Break a rule, lose a privilege.

The particular offenses today were of the "Lack Of Attention" variety. In my book,this goes right along with two main features of the girls: they're 5 and they're in Kindergarten. These two reckonings go hand in hand, if you ask me. I would be surprised if their focus didn't wander from time to time. In this case, Ashlyn wasn't participating during seat work, and then later she didn't participate in small group work. Both worksheets were sent home to me. Allowing me a moment to vent, please bear with me, neither worksheet was something I would (in my teaching experience) classify as group work or really, 2nd week Kindergarten stuff. Firstly, they were both multi-sectioned things in which the student was expected to switch mental gears a bit from activity to activity. Secondly, it mixed more complex elements (like naming the letter that comes before the listed letters in one section, and writing the answer in upper case). Hey...make my kid think. Challenge her. Absolutely. I want her to stretch her brain. BUT.....but.....can it really surprise anyone that a 5 year old might have some trouble sitting still and trying to stay on task when it was easy to become lost in the many facets of this one worksheet?

That being said (and as I said, that's my vent moment), expectations are expectations. So I worked through each sheet with Ashlyn, who bemoaned the entire long duration of it. During this time, I lost my patience a few times. (It was so hard not to when I was trying to get her to work through some of the more difficult concepts on the worksheets and Caedance was nearby goofing off rather than working on her tasks). In the end, I did get her through both sheets. And we then spent time talking about how school work is not a choice she can make, and when she's in class, she'll do what her teacher asks her to do. Period. Not decide that the worksheet is for the birds and draw mice instead.

Looking back on it, I wish I had handled it better. Truth be told, we're still trying to get into a smooth rhythm with all this. Doing homework every day is a bit new for me, and I'm finding it a challenge to work with both of them simultaneously when they both have unique needs with things. Working with them separate is the best way to handle things, but keeping the other on task is sometimes hard. Because they've never had to do it. Because they've never been in this situation. So we've got a learning curve going on. All of us. They've got their hands full acclimating to this totally new environment of school with a new set of rules and expected behaviors. And I've got my hands full working through the mechanics of it all; meeting each of their needs so that they can use the homework to help them...not just waste our time.

We'll get there. I know. I knew there would be an adjustment period. But somewhere in the back of my mind I still hoped that it would go so much smoother than this. I was subconsciously hoping that mine wouldn't the students drawing mice during lesson times. But...alas....mine were the children squeaking at the principal during registration, so why wouldn't they be the mouse drawers in class?

Cats In A Bag

I'm sitting here in the relative quiet of the living room, pondering the great wonders of my small universe. I can only call it relatively quiet because the girls are running around searching for cats and threatening to put them in a bag when/if they find them. Their flight path goes through the living room, so every few minutes, my serene "relative quiet" is interrupted with, "I'm going to find you and put you in this bag, kitty-kitty!" (I'm not worried about this because I have great faith in our 3 cats' unique ability to not get caught by the girls.)

So here I sit, pondering.

The girls are starting Kindergarten in T-minus 6 days. How is that possible? Where has time gone? I keep mentally going between "Ready" and "Not ready" about the whole thing. I'm "Ready" to have those 2 1/2 hours to myself everyday. But "Not Ready" to have to get into the schedule of getting up and getting ready for school everyday. I'm "Ready" for these two to make new friends and have fun little dramas to share with me everyday about it. But I'm "Not Ready" for them to turn into little girls I don't recognize who say things like, "Whatever" and "OMG" and "Yeah, right"...with a 'tude. (I don't think I'll ever be ready for that).

I can't stop time, can I? All I can do is go with this. At the moment, I just want to get the first day out of the way and over with. I'm ready to move past this part and get to the part where it's all just routine. I get myself all psyched out about stuff like this and it drives me nuts. For the last 6 months I've been living under a strict rregime of "This Time Next Year...." and I hate it. Every single thing that we've done has been measured in those terms; it's driving me nuts. I'm finally at a point where I can say, "Hooray! Kindergarten. They'll do great", and I almost believe myself. (Ask me in a month and I'll have more confidence behind that statement).

Looking at my girls, I can say they're ready, even if I'm not. They're quirky, funny little things who, if nothing else, should provide many funny moments in the classroom environment. Just today I had a rather heated debate with the two of them over a bump that has appeared on Ashlyn's forehead. I inspected it and determined that it is most likely a bug-bite. Caedance scrutinized the protrusion and declared that it was most certainly a pimple. And Ashlyn, owner of said bump, shot us both down with the proclamation that it was, in fact, the very startings of a unicorn horn. (Well color me surprised; my girl's got herself a unicorn horn.)

Now a nice little breeze is gently whispering through the windows, and the girls have quieted down a bit in the other room. Apparently they've gotten bored with their futile attempts to capture and bag any of the cats, and have moved on the swinging a selection of their favorite stuffed animals around by their tails instead. And even though I could continue to sit here and ponder my many ponderings, I think I'd rather be done for the night. I'm not too sure where it all gets me anyways. For the moment, I'll resign myself to just look straight ahead and say, "Girl, you've got 2 Kindergartners on your hands. Deal with it." We'll see how that works for me.

For Whom The School Bell Tolls

Another calendar page has been flipped, turning July into August. I think there has been a part of me that has been positively dreading the month of August. Never mind all the nice things that may occur in it, I have grimaced and cringed every time the mere name of it has been mentioned in my hearing. And now it is here. Time to face the music. Or rather, the tolling of the school bell.

The first order of business to attend to has been to show the girls when they'll be starting school. They awake each morning with the same greeting ready on their lips: "We're not going to school today are we?" No matter how much enthusiasm I muster for it, I can't seem to get them past this particular hurdle. So on August 1st, we marched down to the kitchen and did the ceremonial "Flipping Of The Calendar Page" ritual that ushers in each month at our house. We sit down at the table, look at the month gone by and talk about what fun things we have done, events, visits, vacations, and the like. THEN we flip the page and stare at the blank month ahead; little boxes just waiting to be filled with activities. Endless possibilities waiting to be realized. We always begin by learning the name of the new month, and spelling it, then we count how many days it has. Once that is done, I point out important dates or holidays that will happen. For August, that big date is the 23. The first day of school. We put a circle around it and marked it with a smiley face, then stood back to look at it. Amidst all the the blank boxes, it stood out. Plain as day. No denying it now. It's on the calendar, demanding recognition. I. Am. Here.

Normally life picks up again after a Flipping Of The Calendar Ceremony. You just move on. Back to playing. Back to cleaning. Whatever. Waiting for the next month to sidle itself right in. Not so with August; it's been different. There is a definite sense of counting down that comes with this month, for us and I'm sure for parents of schoolagers everywhere. And I'm nervous. And the girls are nervous.

I am pleased to announce that I've come around a lot since my initial entries of First Day Terror. You'll be pleased to read that I no longer abhor the very thought of sending them to school, no longer shudder at the site of the building, or tear up when walking down school supply aisles. In fact, since Safety Town gave me the glimpse at my future of a daily 2 1/2 hour break, I've been pretty peppy and upbeat about the whole thing, actually. During the one lovely week, I was able to envision all of the things I'd finally be able to accomplish, like, reading for fun...er.....I mean, cleaning and keeping up with housework, of course.

And most of all, there is a sense of wonderment that I'll be able to walk through a whole store without saying, "No. Don't touch that. Please Leave That Alone, or Do you have to pee?" What will that be like? Truth be told, after 5 1/2 years of struggling through stores in a parade of phases, I'm not sure how to approach this new one. First I was the lady pushing the double stroller with my left hand while pulling the car behind me. Next I was the lady with two toddlers (each on a leash) running in front of me while I pulled a cart behind me, constantly getting it caught in the lines of the leashes. After that I morphed into the frazzled looking mom trying to catch one or both children as they ran away from me, often times leaving the cart aisles away from where I was, leaving me to have to find it again when I'd collected both giggling girls. (After a few too many of those episodes, I regressed back to the lady with the double stroller and cart phase, with the only difference being that my once happy twins were replaced with screaming ones). And at last, I've become the lady with a cart in front of me and two little ladies strolling beside me, only occasionally make mischief in the produce aisle. Progress is a beautiful thing.

And now I'll be the lady with the cart. Period. Wow. A normal shopper. What will that be like? Can I do it? Will I like it? Time will tell on all of it, I guess. But here's to hoping for many happy (and calm) shopping trips. Here's to hoping that the girls do well in their classroom and enjoy their days there. (Here's to hoping they remember our motto Make Healthy Choices So We Don't Get Sick). And here's to looking ahead for the next Flipping Of The Calendar Ceremony we'll share on September 1st; for all the good memories will remember for August, and all the exciting, upcoming things we'll have to look forward to in the months ahead.

Change Is Gonna Come.

Today has been one of those glorious and yet rare days of thought. Those odd days when I find myself willing to think about life as it is now, and life as it will be when the girls start school. As you are well aware, most of the time I live in perpetual fear of the dreaded day of "Letting Go" (a.k.a The First Day Of Kindergarten). But every once in awhile I'll allow myself to think about that day without an arrow stabbing my heart. Hence the "Glorious & Rare" descriptors above. Sometimes, when I let myself, I can almost see an acceptable idea of Life After Stay-At-Home Mommyhood. Most of the times that thought seems bleak, but on the occasions when it glimmers slightly, I find myself thinking of it with some guarded hope.

The day started with a visit to a bookstore to meet the character Olivia with the girls and Kathleen. The girls were awe stuck by the star power of that giant, jumper clad pig. I could practically count the stars in their eyes as they gazed with unconcealed adoration up at her while hearing an Olivia story read to them. I could I see their hands worrying themselves at the prospect of getting to actually touch that pink goddess, especially her ears, (which, incidentally, were very large and just begged the passerby to give them a small tug). There were hugs. And more loving gazes beamed up at their New Friend. (Now that they've met her, Olivia is considered a close acquaintance in our house). Once home, the girls quickly found all our Olivia books and have spent the rest of the day perusing the various story lines and reliving the mischief their new com padre has wallowed in to.

Where is the connection, you ask? How does a giant pig and two starry-eyed kids play into any great scheme? Simply put, the connection is in books. In writing. In freeing the ideas stored up in my brain. I'm a writer. Or I try to be. Or, maybe more appropriately, I like words. I like the way I feel when I put words on paper and see them. Feel them. When they become real and tangible things that others can experience too. There's no small amount of wonder in that for me. Right now my brain is scrambled with unrealized "characters", all milling about up there. Some days I feel downright psychopathic with the shadows of voices I hear. People I long to meet. Get to know. Sketch out into a real person with a real life. In a world of my own invention. I have a feeling they are just waiting for me to get around to working with them. I feel like there's something there. But maybe that's jumping the gun a bit. Biting off more than I can chew. I don't know.

The truth of it is that a part of me looks ahead to the First Day Of School and thinks: Writing Time. A few hours a day to get out of the house, find some inspirational place (a busy place for me, I think. My mind works best around noise and chaos), and just write. Write for me. A chance to clear my head. Work it all out. Figure out the answers to questions I've always had but been afraid to ask. To wonder. To worry. On paper. The idea of that simply luxury seems very peaceful and agreeable to me, and I find myself in a state of mind that welcomes that change rather than dreading it.

There are other opportunities at the forefront too. My teaching certificate has started calling to me from behind it's glass frame. "Teach! Teach! Teach!" it says persistently. There are paths for me to explore there too. To go back now or to wait till the girls are older: that is the question. To teach public school or private school: that is a consideration. Should I go back part time or full time? Local or slightly further away? All these things are chasing about in my upper storey.

It's interesting for me to be at this place of wondering and slight indecision. It feels absolutely decedent to be in a soft place of not knowing what is next. To be certain that there IS a next thing, but not clear on just what that is. After spending the past 5 plus years rigidly adhering to a schedule, there is nothing on the docket. And I'll choose this moment to relish it and enjoy the time I've been granted to figure things out. Because in the end, I know it will all be figured out. I'm certain of that. How much of a part I'll play in the figuring remains to be seen, but I know my game piece will be exactly where it needs to be in this game of life. Yep. As the song declares, Change Is Gonna Come. Perhaps linking a Civil Rights song to my own life is a bit of an overstatement on my own importance, but I'm doing it anyway. My blog, my prerogative, right? And I firmly believe that the way to handle change is with a welcoming finesse, rather than with a wary bit of dread. I'm not sure what road I'll be taking, but I know it will be MY road, and thus it will be good. I'm ready.